It feels like the ground beneath you has just disappeared when you find out that your partner has been betraying you all along. You try to breathe, sleep, and make sense of your own thoughts. You keep asking yourself, “Can I ever trust this person again?”
In marriage therapy for infidelity, you don’t have to heal by pretending that nothing happened. Instead, you get to know how betrayal impacts your body, mind, and sense of safety, and how you can slowly rebuild from that point of truth.
As a Certified Internal Family Systems IFS Therapist, I understand that infidelity is not just a “relationship issue.” It’s a trauma for many people. That’s why I have written this blog to help you explore what your brain goes through during betrayal trauma and what rebuilding trust realistically looks like inside therapy.
Why Won’t Your Brain Let You Trust Yet?
Many couples come to me for therapy, thinking about why the betrayed partner can’t “let it go,” even when they desperately want to. This struggle is not a sign that you are weak or unwilling. It is a biological response.
Betrayal triggers the same survival mechanisms that your brain engages during trauma. You begin to see the infidelity as a threat to your emotional and physical safety, which triggers PTSD-like symptoms such as:
| Common Responses | Why They Happen |
| Flashbacks | Your brain is trying to replay the event to understand the danger. |
| Sleeplessness | Hypervigilance makes your nervous system stay alert. |
| Intrusive thoughts | Your protective system is scanning for more threats. |
| Sudden panic or crying | Your body is overwhelmed by cortisol and adrenaline. |
Trust is not an on and off switch. It’s a safety response. Your nervous system stops recognizing your partner as “safe” when they become the source of pain. This is why healing takes time, and you need marriage therapy for infidelity to help your body feel secure again.
If you are experiencing deeper trauma responses, my licensed Adult Trauma services in Maine and New Hampshire will help you reconnect with your internal sense of stability.
Why Self-Hatred in the Unfaithful Partner Blocks Healing
The one who betrayed might be trapped in intense shame. Unlike guilt, it shuts down your growth.
Shame says, “I am bad.”
Guilt says, “I did something bad.”
When you are stuck in shame:
- You may freeze or shut down emotionally.
- You may avoid accountability out of fear.
- You may become defensive even when you don’t want to be.
- You may sink into self-punishment instead of healing.
In therapy, I help move the unfaithful partner from self-hatred to grounded responsibility. This shift matters because:
- Shame paralyzes.
- Guilt motivates repair.
Your relationship can start rebuilding slowly when you and your partner can stay present with the truth, without falling into despair or defensiveness. This is a core part of the collaborative work we do in marriage therapy for infidelity.
How Can You Co-Parent in the First 90 Days After Finding Out
Your kids are the most neglected when there is infidelity involved in your relationship. You may still be sharing a household, making meals, and caring for your children, even when you completely feel shattered.
I understand that the early phase, often called the “Crisis Phase,” can be very disorienting.
Here are some grounded strategies that can help you:
1. Create Predictable Routines for Your Children
Stability means regulating your emotions. Keeping consistent routines can provide safety for both you and your kids, even if your internal world feels chaotic.
2. Choose Short Communication With Your Spouse
This is not the time for you to have deep emotional conversations unless you are in therapy. You can have practical and calm exchanges about school pickups, meals, and schedules to help you reduce tension.
3. Don’t Involve the Children in the Conflict
Kids do not need the details, but they do need emotionally available parents. If you feel overwhelmed, going into another room for a moment is an act of love.
4. Take Breaks From “Acting Normal”
You are grieving, and you are exhausted. If you suddenly feel emotionally numb or start crying, it does not mean that you are “failing.” It means that you are human.
5. Use Supportive Co-parenting Agreements
In therapy, I help couples create early-phase systems that reduce their conflicts, especially when communication feels fragile. This is often done as part of the work within marital & couple therapy, where my goal is to help you work as a team even during a crisis.
How Can You Rebuild Trust in Your Partner Through Therapy?
In marriage therapy for infidelity, couples work through the following phases:
1. Safety and Stabilization
I help the betrayed partner feel emotionally and physically safe again. For the unfaithful partner, I help them stay present, accountable, and grounded.
2. Understanding the Meaning of the Affair
This is not a justification. It is context. Most affairs begin from emotional disconnection, avoidance patterns, or personal pain. It is not because of a lack of worth in the betrayed partner.
3. Healing the Trauma
This stage helps you and your partner learn to communicate openly, regulate your nervous systems, and understand each other’s triggers.
4. Rebuilding Connection
Intimacy is not rebuilt quickly. I go slow and help you emotionally first, physically later, and only when you both feel ready.
Conclusion
You are likely carrying a huge amount of pain, fear, or confusion if you are reading this.
Marriage therapy for infidelity gives you a structured and compassionate way to live your life ahead. With experienced, trauma-informed support, you can begin to understand the layers of your hurt and find emotional steadiness.
If you are ready to start healing, whether you are the betrayed partner or the unfaithful partner, reach out today schedule a session for couples therapy Maine with Arlene Brewster, PhD.t
FAQs About Marriage Therapy For Infidelity
1. How long does it take to heal after infidelity?
Healing is different for every couple. Many partners experience stabilization within a few months, while deeper healing may take a year or more.
2. Can trust really be rebuilt?
Yes, only if you and your partner commit to transparency, accountability, and emotional repair. It takes time, but trust can become even stronger than before.
3. Is individual therapy also needed?
Sometimes. Individual trauma work can support the betrayed partner’s healing and help the unfaithful partner work through shame.
4. Should we tell our children about the affair?
No. Your children don’t need to know everything. They just want both their parents to be emotionally present for them.
5. What if one partner is unsure about saving the marriage?
Conflicting opinions are common. In therapy, I can provide space to explore those feelings without pressure or judgment.
